Sunday, December 16, 2012

Fan-hood Survival Guide For the Rest of the Mariners Offseason

Since nothing's been going on with the Mariners lately, I figured I'd do something a little different.  Rather than quoting stats and players that may or may not be signed or trades that may or may not happen, how about a "survival guide" for the Mariner fan in your life.  Whether that be you or somebody close to you, it could be a useful tool in keeping one's sanity throughout the holiday season and in to next year.

As a warning to you few out there who may not have a sense of humor, I'm letting the sarcastic side of my brain take over for this one.  Where it will take us, I have no idea.  We'll find out together!  I may do a part 2 later in the week that's less sarcastic, but who knows.  I haven't really thought this all the way through.  Be you warned, for here there be sarcasm.

As we all know, playing it cool and trusting in the front office, ownership and the like can only get you so far.  Before the anger and hopelessness eat you alive, let it out of the closet for a breather and do some well deserved panicking around the house before you got nuts, especially with the holidays around the corner.  Nobody wants a crazed Mariner fan eating the wrapping off of the presents and trying to cut out a mini Nick Swisher using boxes left over from gifts.

In this cold, wintry time of year, what could be more appropriate than a raging bonfire with you or your loved one dancing around in the moonlight trying to lift the Mariner curse?  An easy way to build your bonfire would be to sift through your Seattle Mariner memorabilia and other similarly affiliated goodies and get that firing roaring hot with the utter despair fueled by these simple knick knacks?

A game of darts may not sound all that pleasant when you're trying to hit a tiny little spot with a tiny little metal point, but you can make this game much more worthwhile with a simple addition.  Instead of using the bulls-eye on the dartboard, grab yourself a picture of a front office or ownership member of your choosing and use the eyes themselves as bulls-eyes!  You will have hours of fun and the last thing on your mind will be how horrid the offseason for the Mariners have been so far.

In these times of heartache, it may be necessary to block out all things Mariners to get your mind clear and quell the disappointment welling up inside.  Instead of being around electronics all day that may dishearten you further with their lack of news about the Seattle Mariners, head up to the mountains and leave all of your worldly possessions behind.  Since the trip may be an extended one, be sure to take a few Mariner related items to get that campfire lit and keep you nice and toasty in these times of cold weather and cold hearts!

'Tis the season for snow, cold and non-baseball activities.  Golf may seem like a strange way to vent your frustrations, especially with temperatures dropping and snow falling, but you'll be glad you did once you use a box of Mariners golf balls!  Take out your frustrations and free agent longing by whacking those things as far as you can on the driving range while giggling with glee at how FAR you can make those Mariners fly away from you!  Remember to dress warmly and do not let go of the club.  Unless its a Seattle Mariners affiliated club, then tossing in to a nearby pond is certainly an option.

As I'm sure you are aware, you are not alone in your resentment towards many things Mariners.  To give voice to your anger and let everybody know how angry you truly are, take a trip to the top of the space needle and wave a Seattle Mariners flag while screaming at the top of your lungs.  Once you have screamed yourself silly and you have yet to be pulled down by security, make sure you set fire to the flag to lift the curse before making your way for the bottom.  Hopefully not in handcuffs.  If you have been arrested, explain your Mariners fandom and the officers may take pity on you.

While it may seem not entirely "macho" or "manly", sometimes we all just need a good cry.  If you find yourself with a little spare time while alone, find a nice clean corner and sit yourself down.  Make sure you grab a Mariner blanket or towel before you sit down so you have something to soak up the tears.  Rock back and forth gently while weeping and curling up into the fetal position is also an option.  If you feel the need to emote in a louder fashion, you may use the blanket or towel to muffle the screams of agony that I'm sure are welling up from the depths of your fan-hood.

If all else fails, there is no shame in jumping on the bandwagon of another team.  Be sure you choose wisely, as there are far worse teams to root for than the Seattle Mariners and help will no longer be available to you.  If you choose to jump ship and find another team to root for, be sure you cleanse your home of any Mariners related objects as you do not want the bad juju infecting the objects you may bring into your home from another team.

I hope this guide will help you the rest of the offseason and release some pent up pessimism that is roiling around in the bowels of your fan-hood.  As a last word, number 8 should be used only as a last resort, but know that it is an option.  Releasing the inner turmoil may be the best thing for that part of your heart that's been shriveled and blackened by the Seattle Mariners, so give that a try before you pry yourself away from this car wreck of an offseason and find another to latch to.  Good luck in your pursuit of peace.

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